This post has been sitting in the back (front, side, centre…) of my mind for quite some time now. A real honest to goodness personal post, no frills or glitter, just little old me and my manic thoughts on where I'm at… You know, with life. I think I've been putting myself off writing this. Writing it means putting it all under a magnifying glass, recording it in black and white, that some how makes it all very real. And that's the confusing part, isn't real what we strive for? Crave? Something substantial amongst the daily nothings that gets force fed us. But for me, real is a bit scary, because real means taking my head out of the sand and actually seeing whats in front of me, it means working damn hard, it means change- or more, adapting to change (since change is an unavoidable part of daily life).
Change is something I should be very good at by now. I moved three and a half hours away from my family home to go to university, I toured for weeks at a time with the ballet, working in theatre there was never a contract or structure meaning work would vary from month to month. Surely it is in my nature to thrive on the changing environment around me? There have been some pretty significant changes to my life over the last few years, some huge and some significant yet not so noticeable to the untrained eye. The biggie coming up, is moving to live with my boyfriend. We have been together a couple of years now and have maintained a long distance relationship pretty darn well, but who wants to live miles away from their loved one? Did I mention this long distance was between my home in England and his in Holland? Being two way-too sensible, control freaks, we put whimsical romance to one side and had a sort of trial period of living together. Neither of us do well with spontaneity or throwing caution to the wind, so a well planned trip was what we prescribed. I quit my job last summer and moved to the Netherlands for three months, to get a feel for the country, to see if I could get a grasp on the language and to basically see if I could make this place my home. All in all I am really proud with how it went, which has obviously brought us to this next phase, planning and actually moving- and all the consequences and implications, hurdles and opportunities this brings.
There is so much about this I want to share with you. Perhaps too much for one post. Maybe this was the reason I started the blog, not just to involve myself in a creative project, but to record this hugely life changing chapter, the ups and the downs (I feel dizzy just thinking about it!). But there is one thing in particular that has been occupying my mind, stealing my sleep and generally haunting me lately, it's a feeling of guilt. The hardest part in moving isn't the physical move, it isn't even learning a new language or starting from scratch with work, it's leaving my family and the thought of missing them. I have had so much support from some of you guys already, on the subject of missing families, and there is a huge comfort in knowing it can be done and that I'm not totally alone in thinking this way. It's just hard to shake the thought that I won't be down the road from them, and although it really isn't the other end of the earth, it's the anticipation of missing them that is really hard to deal with. Also, the guilt that I'm leaving. That my parents won't have me near by. Man, that ones a bitter pill to swallow. Don't get me wrong, my folks are wonderfully supportive, they're driving me over to Holland with a car full of my stuff, and spending a few days all of us together. They want me to do the things that make me happy, wherever that takes me. But that niggling feeling of selfishness is sitting there, taunting me. Perhaps once I move, with everyone involved, with all that will be going on, the feeling will be put in a more reasonable place, easier to deal with? I hope to build a happy life and enjoy how lucky I am to have two families, two places to call home and I hope we can get some kind of routine there. That it becomes normal to skype and arrange visits back and forth, between my life there.
Who knows what is around the corner? Maybe this move could bring my family even closer, despite the physical distance. It forces you to be organised and to make a huge effort with contact. That's what everyone has been telling me is the key, keep the communication there.
For now, I have the mammoth task of organising what to take (and how to squash it all into the back of a mini… Hilarity posts to come), sorting out important things such as insurance, passports, bank accounts (eeeeek!) and emotionally trying to wrap my head around the entire situation. Having Rich to keep me calm is the biggest help, I think he is prepared for some major freak-outs, so far so good ; ) Also, having the end goal as something to focus on, the fact that I will actually get to live with him, we can actually spend real time together and start a life together. Having a fantastic family here for support and in Holland, is proving incredibly valuable too. So no more storing these thoughts away to torture myself with, I think some constructive posts might prove a better solution. If you guys have any magical cures for worrying or any suggestions that might help my EXCITING yet nerve wracking journey, then share away!!